While reading Kate Arends's newsletter, I felt as if I was reading my own thoughts. You see, this past weekend I made a lickity split trip to Texas to visit my best friend and her kiddos. And woke up Sunday morning with debilitating back pain. We’ve met before, back pain and I, but this time I had to get on a plane with it and fly back home. 🫠
I’ve restarted the core rehab, complete with X marks on the spot KT tape on my stomach/ hips that I knew I should have restarted doing 4 1/2 years ago after my son was born. Babies just wreck your core, don’t they?
I’ve also been dealing with a more complicated home life lately as a relative has been staying with us for an extended period causing so many daily triggers for myself. Just yesterday, realized I have reverted to teenage ways and been hiding in my room (or closet).
Kate speaks about having awareness after being in a delayed freeze response which causes you to see yourself from outside herself. Which I have been experiencing myself lately. And I have to tell you, seeing yourself, your reactions, and how you interact with the world from outside yourself, is quite enlightening. Have you experienced this too?
I also, like Kate, realized I have hyperviglenence. Discovered the term yesterday which prompted me to whip up this fancy graphic. I have X-ray hearing, can read lips, and all the other textbook descriptions of this to a T. The cause? Feeling constantly fearful of what was next as a child at home and school. But as a parent, it means I see and hear all. I’m prepared for what’s up. But it is also something I don’t want to gift to my children. Ugh.
All this to say, the discovery of ourselves is endless and we are all in a different state of awareness of new parts of ourselves. Such a beautiful and twisted thing it is to be human - isn’t it?
This week’s thoughts on Motherhood..
“I want to be a mom someday but 😫😬”
I had a facial a few months ago and I’m pretty darn sure my facialist and I meeting today was fate.
(Let alone I did a 360 on a Denver side street and didn’t hit anything first. I’m hoping for a video of my superior driving skills)
Or that I heard music before it began that let me know this was going to be epic. (I have a thing with music. Read more on that here)
But we had a beautiful conversation about mothering, the world, and change. One thing I have heard before recently is a fear about those with the desire to enter motherhood someday. “How can I be sure I won’t mess up??!”
I realized that when I was younger, as much as I understood my parents were humans I still thought I wouldn’t “ever know enough to be a mother”. Or at least a good one.
Or so I thought.
Younger generations have a different perspective due to more information readily available, women’s rights changing before their eyes but also a better understanding of the scary depths of parenthood.
That their parents weren’t perfect.
That they don’t want to repeat things.
And the fear of messing up little people.
They take the impending life position seriously and are anxious about how they can do it differently.
After she stated her fear, I took a deep breath and said this:
“Yes, parenthood is hard work. But by showing them you’re human, apologizing when necessary, and honoring them you can do it differently than those before you. Studies say kids having one parent (two is better) they can depend on that does it well with care and being a responsive parent just 30% of the time* (more even better) you will succeed.”
And also knowing that you can’t determine how they see their childhood. You can’t be the 100% perfect person for them and fill all of their needs 100% of the time. We can try but they ultimately get to decide how they feel about their childhood.
We can just hope we did a good enough job that they feel confident and loved to go out into the world and bring love and light with them - and call us to talk about it or even come and visit sometimes.
* Information gathered from Aliza Pressman, PHD on Elise Loehnen’s “Pulling the Thread” Podcast.
Reframing Questions:
What are some parenthood things that freak you the F out and make you wonder if you can do the job?
What are things that you actively do differently as a parent that gives you the confidence you can do parenthood better?
While I fully believe it is important, to be honest with yourself about where your fear comes from, it is equally important to give yourself a pat on the back that you can do it even with that fear that you have.
Links I couldn’t keep to myself…
A beautiful photography series based on motherhood from this photographer’s point of view. Motherhood as photography from a fine art point of view is looked down upon I learned during a mentorship session with a photographer. Such shit!
I am not usually a poetry person. But after listening to this author on a podcast, I am excited to put this on my next-to-read list.
I am a sucker for the timelessness of Doen and add something to my collection once a season. This is in my cart. A little whimsy to add to my jean shorts.
Post-destructive hail storm of last year, I am ready to plan some landscaping and gardening for my yard. This would be a delightful addition to my rose collection.
In WTF news… WTF!
See ya, next time friends!
PS. Motherhood coaching is coming soon! Stay tuned for more announcements.
PPS. Spring Photo sessions are almost here!!
Welcome to my little corner of the interweb, and if we haven’t met just yet, hello! My name is Katie Buckman - Mom (Soon to be Motherhood coach!), Photographer, lover of flowers and toes in the grass, and a supporter of other Mama’s as we work through our Mama wounds of those before us and navigate what this all means to us now. If you like my vibe, here is where you can find me:
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This sooooo resonates with me, my friend! Love your graphic on hypervigilance! 💛✨
While I am not a mother, I can appreciate these feelings and how well you wrote about them. I also really loved the photo gallery you shared, very nice!